For those of you out there in this big ugly world. Have ever taken the wrong turning? I fell in love.. or though I thought, five years ago. When I first started work where I am now. She was and still is gorgeous, flirtatious, sexy, 100% woman. Over the past few years, we've exchanged friendly womanly banter... until recently! Being the ... " I give everything away " kind of idiot. " Fall in love at the drop of a hat " woman." Lower my barriers at the first sign of what I think is affection." Any of this ring out to any of your women out there or is it just silly 'ol me?
It all started a week prior to Easter week. I was feeling better after my last encounter with fate. To cut a long story short.... I'd decided without a doubt that she was the one for me. I'd had plenty of time to say something to her, but my nerves always got the better of me, so I held back... for a change. You see I am learning... slowly... but surely.... to take each step at a time, never learn to run before you can walk!! OR though I thought!
She said to me... before she left for her few days off... "don't forget my Easter Egg!" So I went and bought her an Easter Egg AND a cute Easter chic. I chose my time when to give them to her, wanting her on my own. Not wanting an audience, to embarrass me for. I lured her into a room. Said I'd got her some thing and produced this egg into her clasp, then the chic followed. I was nervous to say the least, but laughing... along with her out burst of nervous giggles, I managed to survive. She went and ruined it when she said I'd embarrassed her! That was not my intention. My heart sank. I tried to hide my disappointment. She leaned forward to hug me... twice. There was a lot of smiling. To top it all, she said I shouldn't waste my money on her. I wanted to add to that , that she was worth every penny! We left the room , I locked the door and that was that. Until....................... the next day when several people who I know as work associates, mentioned the Easter egg episode to me... I blushed, but managed to hide my embarrassment.. with more silly girlish giggles.
What had I done? Well from any heterosexual's point of view I'd given her this chocolate present with chic. Nothing more, nothing less. But to me, I thought I'd crossed a huge obstacle, in some way of showing my untold affection for her, after so many years of just being this joke in the back ground! Now I get the impression she's trying to avoid me. I also found out that she is not into me, and never will be. But ... she was flirting with me, in a way that any man should she have flirted with them , would by now be thinking the same thing as I, she's interested in them!
How wrong was I? I feel totally deflated. I'm .. not only the butt of every one who's heard of the stupid egg, joke. My body language from now on will be turned down very low. As for hers... she obviously doesn't know where her on .. off switch is.
My self esteem is at an all time low. I think she's trying to avoid me now, which is slightly difficult in the place where we both work. I shall think twice next time some one flirts with me, or shows any genuine signs of affection! End of!!
12 comments:
I haven't done my misplaced affection romantically, I am pretty cautious, perhaps too cautious, romantically, but I have visited this with relatives & certain friends in the past. Not going back to that. I did learn a lot though.
But don't cut yourself off from all possibility of love because of what happened.
It doesn't sound like you did anything embarrassing but that she turns things around a bit.
I'm also thinking perhaps no one ever thought that you were a joke in the background, but that you feel that way, feel badly, and as you said, have low self esteem.
I hope it doesn't sound bit**y for me to say that some therapy would probably help you.
~Mary
FrankandMary~ I see where you're coming from. It's always better to get an outsider to look deep into strangers problems and see it from another side. for that I thank you both. I think the therapy mite be an idea in the future. I've had it before but I came out more screwed up than when I went in.
You shouldn't feel embarrassed or silly. What you did was a sign of affection and "friendship." She handled it very callously, in my opinion.
You're willing to give your heart and love to a person that you might have thought was right by signals she gave you. That's not wrong. It does hurt when you find out she's not "the one." But that shouldn't make you close yourself off to love. Learn from this experience, don't beat yourself up over it.
You'll find the one. You're too wonderful not too!
nitebyrd~ That's very true what you say. I think she may have realised that maybe she did have feelings, that I may have disturbed, that she didn't know about? Or maybe she was just playing with me... and ME being ME fell for it. Anyway, she spoke to me today, we had a laugh or two, we're still friends so it's not all bad. I can't be angry with people for too long, it's not good for my soul... or theirs!
Sounds to me that she's not into women, and although you might fancy the pants off her, she's never going to fancy a woman, regardless of who she is. So, you're better off looking for a woman who is into women.....
As for the low self esteem. I think that's because you think you've been the butt of the jokes at work, which I'm sure is not the case, you just think it is. You gave a present to a woman who was being friendly, responding to her joky comment. Perhaps it might be a good idea to find out what the person really meant by the comment, than presuming they mean what you WANT them to mean, which might not be the case at all. That'll save any embarrassment happening again over mis-placed affection.
Jackie ~ Yeah you've hit the nail on the head there, will take your advice.. thank you.
Thank you for taking the time to write an encouraging note for me, on my blog. I truly admire your beautiful writing. Writers like you have the power to change us and heal us.
Uma ~ if we all gave time to say such lovely words, give time to be nice to the world in which we live, be kind to the people in our lives, in the universe, then maybe...just maybe we'd live a happier existance... learn to love and cherish the planet.It's not a perfect place to be but while we're here we may as well dance. Thank you
Oh sweetie. I'm sorry she didn't know how to be gracious in accepting the gift and to be woman enough to say thank you.
sweetheart...don't let this close you up. It's okay to show effection. It's okay to flirt and to flirt back. All want to feel they are desired but some don;t want to go past that.
It's like a dance. When the dance is through you will understand where her heart is and you will understand yours better too.
sometimes you fall in love and it isn't returned. For that there is no remedy and to say you will one day be cured completely...there are no promises.
But done ever close yourself from love. One day you will be glad you are happy you did what you did. It takes you on on another road. And that road usually lead to another.
If she avoids you ...let her. You be you always. Happiness comes through you first.
Through all of my...affairs with other, I find happiness comes from me and everything else is just gravy. Others can't make me happy...they just add happiness to your life.
Go towards the things that make you happy. Riding your bike, writing, painting...and when you meet that one...truly that one meant for you. You will know because she will have the same grin on her face as you have on yours.
Meet people and when you meet her, reach your hand out to her and she will take it.
I hope I made sense.
ciao sweetie. (((MWUAH)))
PS...if I was there Id give you a big hug to go with the kiss, then I'd expect you my dear beautiful friend to give me a ride on your bike. I'd love to see the English country side. You don't mind if I hold on tight, bikes still scare me.
Smile honey and laugh everyday. :D i'll tickle you.
Spiky ~ you make me smile with your funny talk, but it all makes very good sense. I wish you could visit the English country side, I love you to kiss me, I'd do more than that to you. Hic... I've bin drinkin red wine, I'd love to take you on a ride on my BIG bike, you could hold on real tight, but I'd be real gentle with you, but only if you wanted me too? As for the gravy part, that made me smile hun, you always make me smile. I'm takin the back seat for now, me comes first anyone else who wants to take the piss can F*ck off. You are a very dear friend, I appreciate every thing that you tell me, all the advice that you share with me. I SOOOOOoooooooo look forward to the day we actually meet.... am puckerin up right now ((((((( mwoah ))))))))))
Indigo,
it is a strange way for a woman to behave if she isn't interested in you. I hope things have settled down at work and moved on to a new topic for titillation.
I am passing on the sexy blogger award to you. You do write in such a beautiful way about sex and desire.
doll ~ yes that was my thought exactly, maybe I interrupted some deep dark desire inside of her, that she too had forgotten about or hadn't yet discovered. Thank you for the 'sexy blogger award' I'm over the moon to receive it. Things have quietened down at work, but I'm always open to other kinds of persuasion. :-)
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